Top 5 Mistakes Most People Make When Trying to Influence Others

Far from being an elusive art reserved for the charismatic few, influence is, in fact, a teachable and learnable skill. Yes, you heard that right! Just like learning a programming language, mastering the art of influence is about understanding its principles and practicing them diligently.

But why do some people seem to naturally excel at influencing others, while some struggle, often unknowingly sabotaging their own efforts? The answer most likely lies not in inherent charisma (or “rizz” like Gen Z likes to call it) but in their approach and mindset.

In my previous article, we talked about why influence without authority is a vital skill no matter what role you’re in. This week we’re tackling the most common mistakes I see people making when trying to influence others, and what to do instead.

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Now, back to the article. If you want to build influence and become more influential, try to avoid these common pitfalls. Before we dive into each of them, here is a quick overview:

• Mistake #1: Trying to influence before having credibility

• Mistake #2: Not taking timing and context into account

• Mistake #3: An incomplete influence goal (preview)

• 🔒 Mistake #4: (only available for paid subscribers)

• 🔒 Mistake #5: (only available for paid subscribers)

If you want to learn more, keep reading!

Photo by Fabien Bazanegue on Unsplash

Mistake #1: Trying to influence before having credibility

I was talking to a friend the other day and she was happy to share with me some good news: the ideas she unsuccessfully first pitched 2 years ago are now actually a significant part of the roadmap. When asked what made the difference, she simply said: “I showed that I can get things done. By building a reputation, I earned their trust”.

The reality is you need to earn your right to influence someone. It doesn’t matter if you say the right words if the other person isn’t open to listening to you. And why should they listen to you if they don’t know you? If you haven’t earned people’s trust yet, it means you don’t have credibility yet. Without credibility, everything is slower and more frustrating, and influencing seems like an uphill battle.

To build credibility, focus on acting with integrity, positioning yourself as a subject matter expert, and building a track record of results.

Mistake #2: Not taking timing and context into account

As mentioned in the previous section, when trying to influence people, they need to be open to it. It’s important to find the right moment to influence, or else you risk your idea getting shut down for a reason unrelated to how good the idea actually is.

People might also shut down your ideas if they don’t understand them. So, consider who you are influencing, what their role, function, and seniority are, and speak their language. Aim to understand what your stakeholders care about and tailor your approach to speak their language.

Mistake #3: An incomplete influence goal

Sometimes people want to influence others to stop doing things a certain way, and the reason they fail is because they don’t come up with alternatives.

Just saying what you don’t want is not enough, you also need to say what you want instead. Without this piece, change is unlikely to happen.

Some people believe you shouldn’t point out problems without also suggesting solutions. I don’t believe that’s necessarily true. It’s not the responsibility of the person who points out the problem to also solve it. However, simply pointing out problems can easily be perceived as criticism. Try to package the problems you point out with something, anything, that gets the ball rolling in the direction of solving that problem. Even if a full solution isn’t there yet, what is one thing that can be done to move in that direction?

Mistake #4: Focusing too much on your idea, rather than finding a solution together

This is what Adam Grant calls it, entering preacher mode. In typical preacher mode, the focus goes mainly on proving one’s point which often results in failing to really understand or consider others' perspectives and needs.

Remember the main point of building influence isn’t to always win in arguments or negotiations, but to find the best result with someone. Not engaging the other person’s mind in solving the problem at hand is a missed opportunity. Two heads are better than one.

Mistake #5: Not prioritizing relationship-building

Most people see influencing as figuring out the perfect words to use to convince someone of something we believe in. The reality is that, to influence most effectively (aka getting full commitment not just compliance), it’s much less about the techniques we use and much more about the personal connection we build with someone beforehand.

Besides building trust, relationships will enable access to real information about the other person. You’ll get to know what this person’s motivations and aspirations are and you’ll be able to pick the right tactic to influence them.

Conclusion

When attempting to influence others, common mistakes include trying to influence without credibility, ignoring timing and context, having an incomplete influence goal, focusing too much on one's idea, and not prioritizing relationship building. To avoid these pitfalls aim to build credibility, understand the context, provide alternatives, collaborate on solutions, and build relationships.

I would love to hear from you. What other pitfalls should people avoid when influencing others?

Until next time,

Your Caring Techie

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This first cohort of “Impact through Influence” had students from companies across the board: Google, Amazon, Intel, Microsoft, Zoox, and many more. If you’re still not convinced, here’s what people had to say:

“This course provided me with practical frameworks, exercises, and templates to reframe my approaches to influencing teams and individuals without authority. Irina's live sessions are very engaging and will help you change and challenge your perception of negotiation and communication with those around you. Great for PM, Eng Lead, and Team/Tech Leads.” - Mihai, Senior Product Manager

“I'm a mid-level engineer at a FAANG who often had good ideas with good business fundamentals, but failed to influence to turn them into projects. My manager was very clear that I have great potential but to take the next step I needed to develop my emotional intelligence, and learn to influence people. Irina’s course is the great. I recommend it for the following reasons:
1. The information is methodical, deep, and valuable. You will not be able to learn this by yourself, or from free resources. The content alone is worth the money.
2. Irina is a great facilitator. She has the rare mix of having an innate understanding of the topic, but also able to communicate it, and explain it. Her experience in large companies is a differentiator.
3. The homework is where you'll get the rewards. It will not be easy, but if you invest the time & energy you'll start to see different results in your next meetings. Plus, the collaboration with other learners make this a great experience. Thanks Irina!” - San, AWS

“This course equips engineers with the essential skills to make a significant impact through influence, emphasizing foundational principles. It explores various elements of influence within a proprietary framework by Irina, focusing on mastering mindsets, presenting oneself effectively, fostering trust among peers, and gaining buy-in for ideas. Through hands-on activities, including self-evaluation and gap analysis via worksheets, participants learn practical strategies for creating impact in engineering. Highly recommended for those seeking to enhance their influence and effectiveness in the field.” - Vasanth, Atlassian

For any questions about the course, feel free to email me at thecaringtechie@gmail.com, happy to provide any clarifications.