Are you really kind, or are you just being nice?

Choose kindness if you want you and your team to grow, and not just get along

Aug 27, 2024

Me: So, how do you like working with your team? Tell me a bit about them.

Client: Everyone is so nice. We’re a pretty friendly bunch, always making sure we get along. No major conflicts, which is nice.

Me: That’s great to hear. It’s always good to work with people you like. What kind of things do you guys do to keep it friendly?

Client: Well, we always check in on each other, share memes, and have virtual coffee breaks. It makes the stress more manageable, especially when we’re dealing with tight deadlines.

Me: Sounds like a fun environment! How about feedback? Have you gotten or given any feedback?

Client: Hmm, my manager said I’m doing great, but we didn’t go into too much detail. In my feedback, I always try to keep things positive. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Nobody is perfect, we all make mistakes.

Me: Interesting. So, let’s say you notice someone on your team is struggling or making mistakes. How do you handle that?

Client: Honestly, we don’t really call it out directly. I mean, we might drop hints or offer to help out. We’d never want to start a fight.

Me: I see. So, would you say people are more focused on keeping everyone happy rather than addressing problems head-on?

Client: Yeah, I guess that’s true. We just want to keep things friendly and avoid any awkwardness or tension.

Me: Got it. It sounds like you’ve got a culture of being nice, which is great for keeping things fun and friendly. But have you ever thought about how that might affect the team dynamics in the long term?

Just like my client’s team, many people confuse niceness for kindness, often acting in ways they believe are kind when they're actually just being nice.

When we look closer at the outcomes, we see a pattern: just focusing on being nice without being kind usually makes people feel good for a bit, but causes bigger problems later on.

This article is the first in a series that explores the distinction between niceness and kindness, and how it affects our behaviors and daily interactions at work, especially in engineering teams.

By the end of this article, I hope you'll be more aware of your motivations and behaviors. Are you really acting out of kindness? Or just being nice? Moreover, I want you to feel empowered to choose kindness over niceness when it's necessary.

To learn more, keep reading.

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Nice and Kind are not the same

We typically use the words nice and kind interchangeably to describe a good, helpful, friendly person.

Nice and kind have similarities, but if we look more closely, we’ll realize that not only they don’t mean the same, but they’re not even synonymous.

What differentiates the two are their underlying motivations and long-term effects.

Let’s start with some definitions

What does Nice mean:

When you're nice, you are polite, agreeable, and lovely to be around.
You express yourself with words that are pleasant to hear.
Your primary concern is not upsetting others and being liked.

What does Kind mean:

When you're kind, you have a generous nature and want to do good things for others.
You express yourself with actions, and you're eager to help those in need, even if it's not immediately pleasant.
Your primary concern is acting in the best interest of others, which is more important to you than being liked.

Similarities and differences between Kind and Nice

The following Venn diagram illustrates how being kind involves deeper, more genuine actions that may sometimes lead to difficult conversations, whereas being nice often focuses on maintaining harmony, sometimes at the expense of honesty or long-term benefit.

Both share being considerate and positive, but the underlying motives and what they lead to can be quite different. Being nice is often about pleasing others in the moment, while being kind focuses on what's truly best for someone, even if it's not immediately pleasant.

From this diagram, you can see that it is possible to be nice without being kind or to be kind without being nice. Let’s look at some examples.

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Examples of behaviors that seem nice, but are unkind

Each of these behaviors might seem nice on the surface because they don’t upset anyone, but they prioritize short-term comfort over long-term growth, which is ultimately unkind.

Not sharing honest feedback: While it may seem nice to avoid hurting someone's feelings, it's kinder to provide constructive feedback that can help someone improve⁠.
Overlooking small mistakes repeatedly: This is unkind because it denies the person the opportunity to improve and grow. Over time, these small mistakes can add up and negatively impact the rest of the team and the project itself.
Being overly accommodating with scope changes: While it may seem nice to always say yes to your Product Manager, it can lead to unrealistic expectations, missed deadlines, and increased stress for the team. It's kinder to set realistic boundaries.
Avoiding disagreements to keep peace: While this may maintain short-term harmony, it can lead to unresolved issues festering over time. It's kinder to address conflicts constructively, even if it's initially uncomfortable⁠.

Examples of behaviors that seem not nice, but are kind

These behaviors may seem not nice at first glance, but they are actually kind because they do the right thing for everyone’s good. Let's break them down:

Giving tough feedback: While it may be uncomfortable to deliver or receive, honest feedback is crucial for personal and professional growth. It shows that you care about the person's development and are willing to have difficult conversations for their benefit.
Strictly enforcing standards & prioritizing readability: This might seem harsh or inflexible, but it ensures high-quality code that is maintainable and understandable by the whole team. In the long run, this benefits everyone by reducing errors and making collaboration easier.
Challenging ideas in meetings: This can feel confrontational, but it's actually a way to improve ideas and outcomes. By questioning and discussing different perspectives, you end up making better decisions as a group and potentially avoiding future problems.
Reassigning a project when folks are struggling: While this might disappoint someone initially, it could be the kindest action if the project isn't a good fit for their skills or career goals. It shows consideration for both their long-term success and the project's needs.

Why do people prefer to stay in the “nice” territory?

People often stick to being "nice" for two main reasons:

First, they're uncomfortable with potentially upsetting others. Being nice lets them avoid conflict and maintain a facade of harmony. This fear of conflict often comes from wanting everyone to like them—which is practically impossible.
Second, culture plays a big role. In many places, people are taught to be polite and avoid direct confrontation. For example, there's a common saying in the US: "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all". This kind of thinking can accidentally discourage honest feedback and make people choose to be nice over being kind, even when kindness would be better in the long run.

We’ll talk more in future articles of how to overcome these mindsets.

Parting words

Being kind and being nice, despite being so similar, are very different.

In a nutshell, if you prioritize others' feelings over the greater good, you're acting out of niceness. And if you focus on acting in people’s best interest and value honesty—even at the risk of ruffling feathers—you're acting out of kindness.

Next time you're faced with a choice, consider: Are you just being nice, or are you being truly kind? Remember, kindness might be harder in the moment, but it helps everyone in the long run.

In future articles, we’re going to dive deeper into more on how the “nice vs kind” distinction plays out when it comes to conflict avoidance, giving feedback, building trust, and setting boundaries. Finally, we’ll talk about how effective leadership demands true kindness, not superficial niceness.

Do you prefer staying in the “nice” territory? Do you have moments where it’s difficult to choose between being nice and being kind? Would love to hear from you.

Until next time,

Your Caring Techie

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